Let's Talk About Hard Anniversaries

Hello friends.

I've been MIA for a while. Work was kicking my butt. I think I'm back now though. And today is a hard day for me.

One year ago today I sat sobbing in my bathtub, ready to take my life. I was swallowed by the darkness, so deep and thick that I could see no way out. I was in so much pain. Physical pain. Mental pain. Emotional pain. Spiritual pain.

All the pain.

I did not enjoy life. All of my moments between interacting with people and actively engaging with the world were full of a desperate hopelessness. A walking death.

I'm so grateful my husband saved me.

My therapist was pointing out some of the ways I've grown over the last year.

There are so many more tools in my toolbox now. Breathing is my favorite go to. And mindfulness. I listen to a meditation every night. I'm getting better at acknowledging and feeling my feeling. Accepting them. Listening to them. I've made self care a priority.

Through trial and error we have found a good medication mixture for me. I am so grateful for medication.

And weekly therapy. This. This is so huge in my life. My therapist helps me work through things, helps keep me focused and moving in the direction I want to move in, holds me accountable, points out things I don't always see (both growth and potential growth), and reminds me that I have the tools I need to grapple with life. She. Is. A. Saint.

When I close my eyes I think about that night in 2020, I can feel the weight of it. And I have so much empathy for others who are and have been in that place. I want them to know they are not alone. I want to hold them when they cry and tell them that yes, it absolutely sucks in that deep dark place. And suicide is not the way out. There is another way. I cannot lead them out, but I will hold their hand and walk it with them.

You are not alone.

You matter.

Life is worth living.

I'm so glad I get to enjoy life now.